The day of the GP’s appointment didn’t come quickly enough for Sue. She was still feeling incredibly sick and was struggling to keep it hidden from her work colleagues. She’d managed to bluff her way through initial health queries resulting from her time off by citing a stomach bug that was (fortunately for her) doing the rounds, but she was finding it hard to concentrate and give the work her usual professionalism. She knew it wouldn’t be long before more searching questions would be asked – questions she didn’t want to answer.

Sarah had arranged to meet her at the apartment before travelling together to the doctor’s surgery. Unfortunately, the appointment had been arranged on one of Sarah’s office days so more deception had been involved. When Sue had tried to express her feelings of guilt that she was dragging Sarah into this, her friend had just laughed and told her that even if work suspected she was being less than truthful of her reasons for her day off, they’d probably assume it was for an interview which would keep them on their toes. Still, Sue worried about the trouble it might cause.

Half an hour before Sarah was due to arrive, and Sarah was already hovering by the window keeping a look out for her. Inside she was mentally mocking herself for pacing up and down the living room floor, but at the same time she couldn’t stop herself from doing it. Neither could she stop herself from constantly checking her watch to see that the minute hand had barely moved. She felt silly; she knew that Sarah wouldn’t let her down and would be perfectly on time, but couldn’t help herself. It wasn’t so much that she was feeling nervous, more that she just wanted everything over and done with, wanted to get back to “normal life” whatever that might mean. Not that she was sure things ever could be the same again.

She had to admit things didn’t look good with Peter. Despite her mental defence of him against her friend’s continued accusations of uselessness, even she was starting to feel seriously let down and frustrated by his lack of communication. Since the momentous evening when she had told him her news they’d hardly spoken. Just a brief telephone call to arrange an assignation tomorrow night, but he’d been so abrupt and distant that she wondered how late he would leave it before coming up with a “reason” that he wasn’t going to make it. She worried that he might think her pregnancy was somehow deliberate and wanted to be able to reassure him that it wasn’t, that she was as surprised and upset as he. The relationship was important to her, she loved him, she didn’t want it all to be thrown away on a 1% failure rate, but she could hardly save their relationship if he refused to even talk to her.

The doorbell rang making her jump. She glanced at her watch and noted that there was still a quarter of an hour before Sarah was due. Who could it be? She pressed the intercom switch.

“Hello?”

“Hi Sue, it’s me, Sarah! I know I’m early, but I thought you’d be pacing the decks by now and would like the company. Can I come up?”

“Of course you can! I’ll buzz you in.”

Sue pressed the door release for several seconds, then moved to the entrance door of her apartment to let her friend in.

“Hey you!” Sarah gave her a big beaming smile and a huge hug. “Hope you don’t mind me coming early.”

“No, not at all. You were right, I was pacing. I could do with the company. I’m rather relieved you’re hear, I was wearing tracks in the carpet!” She grinned weakly. “Well we’ve still got a little while until we need to leave, can I get you a coffee or something while we wait?”

“Nah. I know the quality of your coffee. Besides, I remembered you weren’t too hot on the smell of it at the moment, so stopped over for a decent one on the way over. I’m now fully caffeinated for at least an hour before I’ll need a top up. You’re safe.”

Sue slumped down into the sofa, unsure what to do next. She didn’t really want to discuss what they were there for, what they were waiting to do, not even with Sarah. Now she even felt a little awkward that she had nothing to say.

Sarah gave her friend an amused look. “Would you prefer to leave early and just hang around the waiting room for ages?”

Sue flashed a grateful smile. “Please. I would at least feel that we were doing something, or closer to the goal, whatever. I just can’t stand to be sitting here and staring at the walls any longer.”

“Your wish is my command. Come on, grab your bag.” She offered her hand to haul Sue out of the chair.

“Hey! I’m not that pregnant and fat yet! I can get out of a chair on my own!” She threw a well aimed cushion at Sarah. “Cheeky moo!”

Sue was glad Sarah had insisted meeting her at the apartment rather than follow her suggestion of meeting up at the surgery. It made the journey less stressful having someone to distract her with inane conversation about the latest Pop Idol and last night’s Eastenders. However, she still found herself distracted by the amount of pregnant women, babies and young children she saw on the way. Were there always this many out on a weekday, was it all a conspiracy designed to make her feel as guilty as possible or had they always been there and she’d never had any reason to notice before? In her heart she knew she was making the right decision, but the thoughts didn’t make the process any easier.

Sitting on the bus, her attention was captivated by a heavily pregnant woman sitting in front of them, who also had a small toddler with her. The little girl was standing on the seat and peering over the top, playing peek-a-boo and pulling silly faces at the two friends. At a particularly loud raspberry from the child, the mother turned around and pulled a wry smile of semi-apology. “Sorry, it’s a new trick her father taught her this weekend.” Sue gave the expected protestations of it not mattering in the slightest, but the exchange left her feeling tired and withdrawn. She spent the rest of the journey staring out of the window, trying to avoid focussing on any of the many people with pushchairs who were out and about. Sarah noticed her distance and gave her a sympathetic smile and her hand a small squeeze. “Almost there,” she whispered.

The doctor’s surgery was packed when they arrived and just to add insult to injury it appeared to be antenatal appointment day. Still, Sue consoled herself by pointing out to herself that most of the mothers-to-be looked tired and uncomfortable and there were several young children who were so bored that they looked about to run riot. Even so, it made her feel like a traitor and she was glad when her name was finally called.

“Do you want me to come in with you?” Sarah queried.

Sue smiled and shook her head. This part she was going to do alone.

Stepping into her GPs office she was reminded how rare it was for her to be there. Her last visit had to have been for her IUD fitting over a year ago. The doctor looked up from her paperwork, gave a business-like smile and indicated that Sue should sit down in the chair next to her.

“Now, what can I do for you today?”

Sue took a deep breath. This was it. “I’m pregnant.”

The GP gave her detached smile a workout again. “Congratulations. Do you have the date of your last known period? I can then calculate your due date and then go through how the antenatal appointments work.”

Sue interrupted. This wasn’t quite going to plan. “No, you don’t understand. I have a coil fitted.”

“That’s unfortunate, but it’s not unheard of. We’d want to get you in for an ultrasound as soon as possible, of course, as there is a slightly higher risk of ectopic pregnancy. That’s when the embryo implants itself in the fallopian tube rather than the womb. If all is well, we can then decide from there if it’s early enough to attempt to remove the coil now or wait until the baby is born. I know it’s hard not to worry, but it really is unlikely to harm the baby – there are plenty of midwife tales of babies emerging with the coil clutched in their hands!”

This meeting was definitely not going in the way Sue planned at all. She made a last desperate attempt at interruption, her voice beginning to sound a little panicked and hysterical. “No! You’ve got it all wrong. I’m here to ask for a termination. I do not want this baby!”

The doctor stopped and blinked in surprise. Sue could almost hear the gears grinding as the GP launched into a different rehearsed speech pattern, but the professional no longer met Sue’s eyes while she talked.

“Oh. I’m sorry. We don’t usually get many requests for terminations from women of your … erm … age. I can, of course, refer you for an abortion on the NHS at the local hospital, but I feel I should warn you that the wait could be as long as eight weeks.”

“Eight weeks? But surely the earlier the abortion the easier it is?” Sue was shocked. She couldn’t imagine having to go through this for another eight weeks… she’d be showing by then, it was hard enough to try and hide it from work now. “Are there no other options? What about a private clinic?”

“Well you can go private, but of course, that’s costly.” The doctor was dismissive, obviously not keen on encouraging her patient in any way. “It depends on how far along you are and what procedure is used, but expect to pay in the region of four or five hundred pounds.”

Sue breathed a sigh of relief. When the doctor had said costly she’d started mentally figuring four figure sums in her head. Four hundred pounds was easily found, hell, worse case scenario she just didn’t pay off her credit card this month. Anything that got her out of this nightmare as fast as possible.

Realising that Sue wasn’t going to be deterred, the doctor fished around in her drawer and pulled out a leaflet entitled Abortion – Your Questions Answered. Sue mused why it hadn’t been possible to have given her that from the start. “You’ll find the telephone number for our local private clinic on the back. When you call up, they’ll book you in for two appointments. The first is to explain what will happen, discuss your options and offer you counselling. If you decide to go ahead, the second appointment will be for the procedure itself. If you have any questions it’s probably best to discuss them with the clinic itself.”

Yes, she’d do that. It was certainly a waste of time for her to have come here. Sue thought wryly that she’d have done better just looking the clinic up in the phone book in the first place, but then she’d had no real way of knowing if her GP was going to be supportive or not. She made a mental note to change doctors at the earliest opportunity once this ordeal was over.

The doctor indicated that the appointment was at an end, so Sue stood up and made her terse goodbyes before leaving the room feeling angry and let down. She quickly located Sarah, who was deeply absorbed in a 6 month out of date Marie Claire and said “come on, we’re leaving.” Seeing that her friend was fuming, she quickly dropped the magazine and followed Sue out, not saying a word until they were safely back on the street.