I think I’m beginning to understand know why there aren’t more women in martial arts. I’ve been going for just under two months now and have got past the initial burst of enthusiasm and have hit the long slog. It’s demanding – requiring more from me physically and mentally than anything else I’ve ever tried to do, and I suck. I can’t remember the last time I even allowed myself to suck at anything without just giving up and trying something else.

By far the hardest part though, is dealing with injuries, specifically bruising. Not the actual soreness or how long it takes to heal (after all, when I twisted my knee doing a step lunge during an aerobic workout hurt far more and still gives me occasional twinges now, months later) but rather other people’s reactions to that bruising.

The last class I had was a particularly tough one and the bruises fairly spectacular. I’ve had worse bruising from training before (no haematomas this time, yay!) but not quite so extensive or so obvious (last time was still long-sleeve weather and so were well hidden from the casual observer). I really wasn’t prepared for the amount of negative response I’ve had to this, to the point of several people telling me I should quit martial arts.

I haven’t really known how to react to these comments properly. I was already feeling disappointed with my performance in that particular class and to be honest, the criticism of my choice of activities immediately put me on the defensive. I have chosen to react flippantly, laugh it off… “oh these… they’re nothing”, but damnit, they’re not nothing and I am putting myself down each time I say it. It’s true that they don’t hurt much now, but yes it hurt getting them. They’re a badge of honour, I earned every single damn bruise on my arm and each one represents a hard-earned lesson. If I had come off my bike and got scraped up a bit, would people be demanding I stop cycling? Should I stop aerobic exercise because I twisted my knee once?

If I’m honest with myself, I am far more angry with my own response than the criticism itself. By brushing them off as insignificant then later I feel unable to say “actually, I’m really struggling with this class” out of fear it would give my critics more ammunition to use against me. At the same time, it’s been good for me, because I’ve been forced to evaluate exactly why I signed up to do martial arts and why I am going to continue going regardless of how difficult I find it.

So, for the record: I need to do this. Yes, I have something to prove – not to the doubters, not to the other people in my club – to myself. If I quit now… because it’s hard, because it hurts, because it’s embarrassing when I show up the next day bruised, because other people think I should… what does that actually say about me? If I quit now, I will lose all self-respect for myself and I will always regret it.

On one of the martial arts boards I read, one of the posters talked about training “mental toughness” and that’s a concept that’s really resonating with me at the moment. I’m discovering that Martial Arts is as much of a mental discipline as a physical one and learning so much about myself in the process. If I do get attacked and get hit, then I will not curl up into a ball in shock at the pain, I will be able to react and (hopefully) react hard.

I’m not doing this for approval. I’m doing this for me.