There’s an old motto (from the Jesuits apparently, but I had to look that part up) which says “give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man”. Or, in other words, it’s the first seven years of a child’s life which is the most crucial, the time where their personality and world view is fully formed for the rest of their days.
I find the concept terrifying.
It’s terrifying because my eldest son is now seven and when I look at him, I see the man he will become. Have I done a good enough job? I know I haven’t been the mother I should have been.
I have been short tempered when I should have been patient, distracted when I should have been involved and careless when I should have been sensitive to his feelings. The first seven years of his life have seen upheaval and change. The irony is, that while the early years of a child’s life are so important, they are also the most stressful and draining years for the parent (well at least until the teenage years – but don’t tell me about that yet, please!)
The traits I dislike most in myself, I see echoes of in my son. The silent sulks when he’s told off or not got his own way. The nasty cutting remarks to his brother when they disagree (almost direct copies of my worst waspishness when I’m bad tempered). The insecurities and the irrational fears. I look at them all and think… I did that and it’s too late to undo them.
But then I get a grip. A hug and a kiss for his brother when they say goodbye at the nursery door. An interesting intellectual conversation on the problems of the world on the walk to school. A morning cuddle. A glowing school report. His passions for reading, Star Wars and Lego. His friendliness and helpfulness. I had a hand in those too.
I love the boy with all my heart and soul and mind. And he’s going to make an awesome man.
8 responses so far ↓
1 Paula // 14th May 2008 at 1:30 pm
So what you’re saying is while we mould the future generation, they’re making us neurotic? :p
Yep, agreed. It is the one job in life where you don’t get assessed on how your doing yet the outcome is more important than anything you get *paid* for! :)
I always say to the Hobbits, “You’ve made a happy woman very old.”
2 Lyle // 14th May 2008 at 3:41 pm
To paraphrase:
“Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids”
3 Bealers // 14th May 2008 at 7:36 pm
*round of applause*
A great article that echoes a lot of my feelings on the subject of parenting.
I’m still amazed that none of my kids has swore yet. I *really* try not to in front of them and in five years reckon I’ve only done so a handful of times, which is impressive when one considers my usual potty mouth.
@Paula, I love your quote :)
4 Colin Brooks // 14th May 2008 at 8:21 pm
No one is perfect and thinking you made mistakes is natural. I know that there are character traits that you can’t stop them from having. Their character is directly affected by those near them and the fact that he reacts like you is more cute than worrying. He is still very young and a lot can change until he because that awesome man.
And yes, I’m sure he will be awesome! He has the look in his eyes.
5 Tami // 15th May 2008 at 1:53 am
Our pastor, just this past Sunday, talked about how important the first seven years are.
6 Miss L // 16th May 2008 at 2:48 pm
I too had those feelings of not doing very well, and I knew when I had made a parenting ‘mistake’ but the best thing I managed was to learn to say sorry to the kids and to talk things over with them after saying it. Its not easy to bring up children, but your two are great fun, enjoy!!
7 Gert // 19th May 2008 at 3:14 pm
Get a grip woman:-)
So you’ve been grumpy with him, and despite the fact that you are a horrible grumpy ogre you are also capable of showing him great love. Oh no! He’s going to go through life thinking people behave differently depending what mood they’re in. He’s learnt that human beings are complex and contradictory.
What a dreadful dreadful start in life.
But at least he’ll make a fortune from his best-selling book of child-abuse…
(My 3-year old nephew, currently with his leg in plaster already has the title for his “But it does hurt Daddy, it does…”)
8 Pewari // 22nd May 2008 at 12:27 pm
Paula and Lyle: have heard those phrases before, but they still make me smile – very true!
Bealers: ugh, snap re: the swearing. I am getting better and fortunately ours haven’t copied me (at least in hearing) yet!
Colin: thank you for the reassurances :)
Miss L: I will!
Gert: Yes ma’am ;) And I am already looking forward to their literary career … hehe.
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