There comes a point where you just avoid reading the opinion pages. Parenting is certainly a lot more enjoyable and a lot less stressful when you’re not continually being told your children are eating the wrong things, either watching too much or too little television, having their IQ points trickle away because you’re not doing XYZ activity on an hourly basis and you’re mentally scarring them for life because you work out the home or by not being a good example to your daughters by having a stimulating career – depending on which editorial you’re reading at that moment in time.
So, it’s incredibly refreshing to find an article about parenting that actually makes you feel good about yourself: We’re all good enough mums.
It takes some self-confidence to laugh at your cock-ups or share them with other mothers in a climate where mothering has become invested with some spurious professionalism rather than an instinctive process that most of us muddle through pretty successfully. The idea that being a mother is nothing more than a simple combination of knowledge acquired through experience is anathema in these anxious times: motherhood has been hijacked by experts. No wonder a quarter of 38-year-old women in the UK don’t have children when it seems as though you need a degree in child psychology to qualify. The basic assumption that has endured for generations, that most mothers are naturally competent in bringing up their children, has steadily been eroded.
It’s timely, because now Akra Jr is in year 1 at school, I have found myself relaxing more and taking a more cynical view of whatever parenting gurus are currently trying to ram down our throats this week. I now have a couple of good friends at the school gates who I can relax with, without fear of judgement or comparison, and we all sort of muddle along the best we can with very different parenting styles. All of our children have very different personalities and are all happy and healthy, despite our very different approaches to the same issues.
Isn’t it time we clubbed together a bit more rather than always being in competition with each other? After all, the journey is as important (if not more) than the end result.
8 responses so far ↓
1 Alley Katt // 30th Jan 2007 at 7:44 pm
I collect my daughter from school and I talk to a couple of the parents there, and it is amazing how some of them still try to outdo what everyone else is doing. “I give my child this”, or “my child must read x amount of time a day” or things like that. One of the worst culprits is my sister, who tries (through my mother as we still have a beef with my sister) to say how bright her kids are compared to ours.
My thought is – who cares? As long as my kids are not suffering at school, and they are happy at home, then that is the main thing. The homework idea is they get 20 minutes. When they start I start my stopwatch, at the end of 20 minutes they stop where-ever they are and move on to the next bit. Happiness is the main concern.
2 thethinker // 30th Jan 2007 at 10:36 pm
And I’m sure that the end result for your Akra will be just fine. My parents didn’t do anything special in raising me, didn’t follow any formulas for correct parenting, and I turned out okay.
3 Kaptain Kobold // 30th Jan 2007 at 11:27 pm
“The basic assumption that has endured for generations, that most mothers are naturally competent in bringing up their children, has steadily been eroded.”
Did the article mention fathers at all? Or have we been totally eroded out of the picture these days?
4 cassie-b // 31st Jan 2007 at 4:08 pm
I’ve always been of the opinion that if you really love your child (and you can’t fool a kid) and do the very best you can, that it will all work out ok.
Cas
5 Linda // 31st Jan 2007 at 9:48 pm
I agree with Cassie B. Make it up as you go along but so long as you love them the best you can, they’ll be fine.
Here’s something I wrote about this ages ago:
http://passionatemedia.typepad.com/my_weblog/2006/07/its_not_a_compe.html
Also, a journalist I know is writing about this at the moment and was appealing for comments – she may have all she needs but if you would like to get in touch with her, I can pass her details on?
6 Pewari // 2nd Feb 2007 at 2:10 pm
KK: probably for much the same reasons that fathers never seem to be mentioned as culpable for children’s TV habits, diet or the evils of mothers working outside the home. Never mind the hours the father works or what input he has in the household – it’s Always The Mother’s Fault. Bit over simplistic, the meeja, innit?
Linda: thanks – I’m a bit bogged under with “life” stuff at the moment (okay, I’ve wasted the last couple of days reading web comics and now I’m horribly behind with everything) but if she wants to get in touch you can pass my details on.
Everyone else: thank you for taking the time to comment :) I’m glad there’s still some parents out there who haven’t succumbed to negativity!
7 Kathy // 4th Feb 2007 at 2:19 pm
Regarding the fact that you’ve relaxed now that Akra Jr is older…it’s so true. How I felt and acted before my first was born and how much more relaxed and realistic I was for the second one’s arrival. I didn’t NEED all of the stuff, and I don’t think I put the same pressure on myself to be super mommy. And I know they’re better off for it. I did the whole full time job, raising a kid thing, and while I think I held it together ok, I chose to let it go and work part time. And what I value now is spending time with them.
I see other mom’s being so competitive and tough on themselves and others, and it boggles me. Life isn’t a competition. Why aren’t we all on each other’s sides?
8 Pewari // 6th Feb 2007 at 3:15 pm
Kathy: I suspect that we’re bombarded so much with information these days, and extended families are now fragmented, that being competitive is a way of justifying one’s own choices. A shame, isn’t it – I can think of so many better ways to channel the energy.
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