I’m beginning to wonder whether Benign Neglect, a recent post from It’s Not All Mary Poppins, should be required reading for all parents or parents-to-be.
It’s certainly a very therapeutic read for all of us who have felt guilty, at one time another, for not playing with our children enough or for not giving them experiences of the right kind of play. Or more recently (in my case) realising with shame that my youngest son was almost two years old before he’d even seen any PlayDoh, let alone had one-on-one Mummy coaching sessions on how to roll it out and cut interesting little shapes with plastic novelty-shape cutters.
I really wish that someone had told me all this with the first child. Somebody should have sat me down when Akra Jr was a baby and said:
Small children need a lot more hands-on care. There is no denying this. But they don’t need your attention over their every waking breath. They just don’t. As a parent, you have the right to expect that your child entertain themselves some of the time. You have the right to a quiet cup of coffee. If you can’t achieve that just yet, you can make it a reasonable goal. You have the right to read or talk on the phone (or blog!!) while they play. You have the right to say, “Mommy finds that game boring, hon.” You have the right to do all this without guilt, and you can achieve it by introducing to the children a little Benign Neglect.
I believe that many of us come into the Stay-at-Home arena with the same expectations as the work place. I know I did – desperately trying to instill some order into an unordered world. Made myself goals and lofty “perfect mother” expectations in lieu of performance appraisals, had planned activities, felt guilty if some days I was too exhausted to do anything and just somehow muddled through with the help of a few too many children’s DVDs. It took me three years (and a second child) to realise that this was not only unrealistic and impractical, but also completely undesirable.
I don’t want to create children completely reliant on me for their entertainment and happiness, who are lost if one day I’m just not up to it.
I don’t want to treat playing with my children as a chore, part of the “job” – I want to have actual fun with them (which might have to involve some negotiation of activities on my part).
I refuse to feel guilty because I don’t enjoy playing “power rangers” or doing intricate arty projects with them.
I don’t want to hinder their imaginations – I want them to be able to come up with their own ideas and be able to create their own little worlds.
I don’t want to dread the summer holidays and have to create lists of activities for every day they’re off school/nursery.
So, these summer holidays, I’m going to be practising rather more Benign Neglect. What about you?
8 responses so far ↓
1 Mary P // 13th Jul 2006 at 12:36 pm
Wow. This post has garnered me more attention than anything else I’ve written over the past year. Clearly it’s something people have been waiting to hear.
I see (and read) so many good mothers, diligent, attentive, loving, nurturing mothers, who are beating themselves up for taking coffee breaks!
I guess there were even more of them than I realised!
2 Pewari // 13th Jul 2006 at 1:14 pm
*laugh* – welcome Mary P :)
Look on the bright side, it’s better than becoming well known for a review of a menstrual product (I wrote the Mooncup Review almost 3 years ago now, and it STILL gets more hits on the site than anything else … *sigh*).
But yes – definitely needed to read your post on benign neglect about five and a half years ago ;) Think it should be required reading for all new parents, tbh.
3 Miss L // 13th Jul 2006 at 5:47 pm
Speaking from a teacher’s point of view (but not for much longer…) it is brilliant when young bodies have learned to occupy themselves. Those who are used to being lookred after and have not developed their independence find it far more difficult to socialise and to cope with working in groups. I also think that some young men get into a certain male frame of mind which is extremely demanding and somehow they don’t like to grow up!
4 Miss L // 13th Jul 2006 at 5:48 pm
Ooops, sorry, the bold print was only meant to be for hte word ‘like’!
5 Gert // 14th Jul 2006 at 2:33 pm
I was at the Wetlands centre in Barnes the other day, and obviously, there were quite a few school groups, most of them filling in work sheets. I’ve also seen this at Art Galleries, Museums, etc and it depresses me.
They become so focused on the worksheet that they don’t stop to gaze in wonder and awe at what is around them.
I mentioned this over lunch, saying that children must be allowed to get bored. One guy, who is the epitome Surrey idiot-anxious parent, dull as ditchwater and shallow as a Health-and-Safety paddling pool, was absolutely horrified at the idea of children ever been left to their own devices.
6 chasingdaisy.com » Blog Archive » Sunday roundup // 16th Jul 2006 at 1:38 pm
[...] From Pewari, in See… I AM A Good Mother… Now Go Play…: I believe that many of us come into the Stay-at-Home arena with the same expectations as the work place. I know I did – desperately trying to instill some order into an unordered world. Made myself goals and lofty “perfect mother” expectations in lieu of performance appraisals, had planned activities, felt guilty if some days I was too exhausted to do anything and just somehow muddled through with the help of a few too many children’s DVDs. Read more… [...]
7 Kiera // 10th Jun 2011 at 5:09 am
I absolutely needed to hear this. THANK YOU, most sincerely. Struggling with being a good mother is exhausting and hard. We all need to know that we’re doing just fine :)
8 Pewari // 12th Jun 2011 at 2:37 pm
Glad it helped, Kiera :) There’s enough pressure on us out there to be perfect. It’s important to be reminded that “good enough” is a much more reasonable expectation.
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