I see that calls for a total ban on smacking is in the news again. It’s an emotive issue (like most issues associated with parenting, for that matter) and as such I’m very much in two minds over a potential “No Smacking” bill.
Firstly, I should state that I dislike smacking. I find it’s generally an ineffective form of punishment and often used in the heat of the moment, further aggravating an already volatile situation. I don’t believe that ruling your children through fear (the old “give him a clip ’round the ear, that’ll sort him out” approach) is either a desirable or a healthy way to grow up. It teaches hypocrisy (on the one hand, you’re telling your children that hitting is wrong and unacceptable, on the other you are showing by your actions that hitting is an appropriate reaction to things not going your way). Actions, as they say, speak louder than words.
On the flip side, I have smacked. Not often – Akra Jr probably less than 10 times during his four and a half years of life, Li’l Bhaji only twice. I believe that there is a big difference between a considered one-off smack as a last resort natural consequence and what those of my parents generation would refer to as “a hiding” (but then I would say that, wouldn’t I?). I also believe that parents are human, and sometimes mess up. On those occasions, I have always apologised afterwards and explained why I was wrong. Probably half of those times with Akra Jr and both times with Li’l Bhaji I did the right thing in those particular circumstances: I was calm and it was the best possible response given the parenting skills I had at my disposal at the time. The longer I am a parent, the more I learn about better, more effective skills – but these skills aren’t magically imbued on the night you give birth to your firstborn, they’re learnt on the job.
I suppose what bugs me most about such a bill is the thought of otherwise good parents being criminalised over a weak moment or a rare carefully thought-through event. All parents have ‘L’ plates until the day they die – I don’t think we ever stop learning. Yet again, we’re in a situation where the parents who care are being targetted by law rather than the parents who couldn’t give a toss or the true violent abusers. We have so many laws already in place against very real child abuse – why are these not being used more effectively – in what way would an all-out smacking ban be any more effective?
For those who take the “this is an assault on children” viewpoint – do we take this law to the next logical conclusion? Will I get done for assault if I drag my child away from the direct path of a car, but in the process bruise his arm? Do we criminalise toddlers who bite in playgroups – obviously, if we’re extending rights to children based on the assault laws, isn’t a two year old biter or hitter just as guilty of assault? Does the kid who reacts back in natural consequence by walloping his attacker deserve similar prosecution? Of course not – this is something in parents’ jurisdiction to arbitrate on (albeit sometimes badly – but as I’ve mentioned before, we’re human too). Why do we expect the laws of parenting to be black and white, when so many parents can tell you that it was their first big wake up call to the myriad shades of grey?
What we need is greater promotion of positive parenting skills and better support for parents. Not another ill-thought through piece of legislation. However, if you’re really desperate to ban something – standing in the middle of Tescos hurling vile obscenities at your offspring … THAT I would like to see a law against…
8 responses so far ↓
1 Akra // 22nd Jan 2006 at 5:16 pm
There’s something about the mentality of the political landscape in this country since 1997 where the state turns to yet more laws to solve everything. I can’t help but think that providing better parenting information and support to parents would be more beneficial to children in this country.
2 Heather // 22nd Jan 2006 at 6:00 pm
“What we need is greater promotion of positive parenting skills and better support for parents.”
Well said!
3 Miss L // 22nd Jan 2006 at 8:08 pm
I couldn’t agree more about the Tesco scenario, I cringe everytime I witness that kind of awful behaviour. I have a feeling that it is not only positive parenting that is needed but that word ‘respect’ needs to come into our lives with a vengeance. So many couples talk about each other in such a negative way in front of their children that it is no wonder they also pick up that attitude towards life and listening to adults. (Eeek, I sound a little like Victor Meldrew here!)
4 Anji // 23rd Jan 2006 at 7:00 am
It’s so difficult. I witnessed a child being smacked because she was whining, she was tired after a day at nursery school. There are a lot of situations which could be avoided with a bit of thought and planning. Having said that parents are people too!
5 Blue Witch // 23rd Jan 2006 at 3:14 pm
While I totally agree with Akra, it takes effort to be positive rather than to punish. Applies to the government as much as to parents methinks.
6 Gert // 23rd Jan 2006 at 3:55 pm
I notice that TB gave an interview where he remarked he had smacked his older chidren, but not his youngest. That chimes very well with my memory of childhood when my older sister and I were smacked fairly frequently, but my brother (seven years younger, born when my parents were 47 and 40) was never smacked. My partner smacked his older two occasionally, the youngest never.
I always argue that if my partner, or my mother, were to smack me, now, or vice versa, it could be deemed assault. I have hit my partner, and, I suppose , he could have pressed charges, but wisely realised that I was sorely provoked. And we have discussed what would happen if he hit me – he says he would walk away in shame, I say that if it were a heat-of-the-moment slap across the face when I was going into one, it would not be comparable to Domestic Violence which is something quite quite different.
The law is able to distinguish in practice between different ways that adults hit one another, or indeed, hit children, and I would hazard a guess that it could manage to be wise in interpreting a smacking law. I think we know full well that a child given a tap on the nappy is not the problem. When I see people thwacking their children in public, I shudder, being only able to wonder what happens in private. I have witnessed extreme physical reactions by parents whose children dart across the road and I have always approved, even as they look round anxious and embarrassed. I hate seeing a child slapped for whining.
7 Paula // 23rd Jan 2006 at 10:01 pm
You didn’t happen to pop up here to the Tesco in Cumbernauld a few weeks back? Just that you mention that and while in there, on the way home from visiting my parents, we witnessed just that scenario.
It was telling that the people around her, the mother if she could be called that, were totally shocked. She literally threw her little boy, who was about 6 or 7 at most, into the trolley said some things that must have killed him inside and complained loudly to the two older people with her about him. Like you said, a smack on the bum would have had less impact than her screaming insults at him.
I have never smacked my two but hubby has and never violently, just a tap and only as a last resort for serious things. The nanny state can go only so far before it gets ridiculous.
8 Purple Elephant // 26th Jan 2006 at 6:28 pm
I agree that we need to be sensible about this. Most parents when pushed would admit to smacking their kids at least once, none of us are proud of it and a banning law would make us feel more guilty than we already do.
I have to say I’m less appauled by a gentle tap than most of the verbal abuse I see going on around me. I nearly burst into tears in the supermarket once (why is it always the supermarket?) when I saw a mother calling a little boy, not a lot older than about two years old, a ‘F*ck*ng Pr*ck.’
The views expressed in these comments are not the views of the publisher. However, we believe in the rights of others to express their legitimate views and concerns. Any legitimate complaint emailed to pewari@may.be will be seriously considered and the post reviewed as desirable and necessary.
Leave a Comment