I’m going to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day long.
Sleepless In Seattle

I’d like to go out on a limb here and say that asthma sucks (well, actually, mostly it coughs a lot). The worst thing about asthma (well, apart from the terrifying not being able to breathe bit) is its PR – say you have asthma and everyone immediately remembers some unfit wheezy kid back in school days, puffing on inhalers and using it as an excuse to cry off any sports they could (hey, that was me!) – at best, it’s seen as a joke, nothing serious. Everyone instantly becomes an expert on your symptoms “oh, you don’t *sound* that wheezy – you’re just faking it, aren’t you?”

Obviously full scale attacks are a bad thing. I’m fortunate – I’ve had very few in my life. I cannot even begin to describe the panic you feel when you suddenly realise that you cannot draw enough air in through your lungs to survive. There you are, drowning in a perfect nitrogen/oxygen mix, powerless to process a very basic necessity of life.

No, I’m going to try and describe the “faking it”, the “oh you’re only slightly wheezy”, the “bit of a bad cough”. It’s a subject close to my heart as I’m at the tale end of ‘flu so I’m mid-”bit of a cough” that I get at the end of every cold but multiplied some.

So, asthma is:

• weighing up the pros and cons of taking that inhaler at bedtime, knowing full well that without breathing will be uncomfortable, yet with the inhaler, despite being desperately weary, you’ll be too hyped to sleep.

• being able to take full deep breaths, knowing in your head that you’re getting your full oxygen requirements but still somehow feeling “empty”.
• having to stay upright rather than lie down because it’s less uncomfortable.
• becoming so aware of each and every breath (and this can happen even when not wheezy – when you’re in full health) that you’re convinced if you just drag your awareness away from the inhalation that the process of breathing will stop – it’s switched from an unconscious function to a conscious one.

I’m okay, by the way. Just a bit wheezy.

Have you ever found yourself planning a blog entry in your head, working out the exact words you’re going to use, the clever conclusion you would make, the witty one liner to finish it off?

Have you ever then sat down to write it and not only realise that it wasn’t going to be as good a post as you thought, but you’re now completely bored with the idea as you’ve already done it to death in your head?

This is me.

Pretend I wrote something really good.

Comment on it.

I thank you.

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out–
because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out–
because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out–
because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out–
because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me–
and there was no one left to speak out for me.

By Martin Niemoeller

Despite all my deeply held beliefs about civil liberties, I have been woefully negligent about doing anything about it (other than moan on here).

With the recent anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz it’s got me thinking about keeping silent, so today I have become a paid up member of Liberty Human Rights.

Going to try and find the time to write and talk to my MP and the other candidates too.

We’re somehow surviving. Now Akra can actually describe his symptoms we’re fairly certain that the bug that has been circulating our household is ‘flu. I’m quite glad that we only worked this out long after the kids had sailed through the infection as I’m quite sure I would have panicked, especially as last year a two year old died of the ‘flu near us.

But just as I’m feeling the most sorry for myself and wondering if we’ll ever get through the other side of this as it feels like we’ve been ill forever, I read Ivan Noble’s last tumour diary. This incredibly brave man has been writing a column about his battle with a brain tumour since he was first diagnosed in September 2002. I’d so very hoped that his last entry was to be triumphant, but it appears that is not to be. He has two children very similar in ages to my own.

I am humbled. And I’m hugging my kids extra hard tonight.

Now Akra is ill and I’m gradually succumbing… be back soon!

This is how it’s going to be now I have two children isn’t it? One gets better then the next one gets ill.

How do people with four or five children cope?! They must not get out the house for months at a time…

We’re gradually still sorting boxes in the garage that haven’t been unpacked since we moved in a year and a half ago – it’s quite exciting really even if most stuff is getting chucked out as it’s not as if we’ve missed any of it. Occasionally though, we find some long lost treasure.

Last night, I came across something that I’d completely forgotten about – our Monopoly board tour album. Back in the mists of time (we think 1996/1997 as I believe I was still working in Central London then) we set off around London over several days and took pictures for every location on the Monopoly board (London version, obviously). We then got a bit oversure of ourselves and started to collect pictures of all the playing pieces as well, but never actually completed that bit which is a shame.

The album is a bit musty and damp now, plus the pictures will eventually fade, so I’ve started a project to scan them all in then try and find the gaps for the playing pieces (and I think Free Parking is missing too – have you *tried* to find free parking in London?!) I can’t remember who took which photo, some of them are pretty dire so I’m guessing they’re mine, but this is a great opportunity to tidy the pictures up (keeping copies of the originals of course) in Paintshop Pro.

I’m putting one up each day on my Fotothing – starting today with “Go!”, although at some point I’d love to get a page up with a picture of the Monopoly board with thumbnail pics of all the images (clicking on them to get the full size image). Anyone like to volunteer to design it for me?!

… do babies time their high temperatures and listlessness the SECOND the local doctor’s surgery closes for the weekend? Li’l Bhaji decided to slump over in his high chair, looking and feeling hot and flushed at EXACTLY 5pm yesterday. We (or rather Akra – the star got up every night waking) had a rough time of it in the night with calpol and baby nurofen being well-used. Then just as he got up and the emergency surgery would have been open the temperature dropped.

Surgery is long since closed and it’s creeping up again. We think it’s a mix of teeth and a cold virus as he’s snotty but also crying out and chomping on his fingers. Poor mite.

I’ve come over all 50s housewife-ish today and decided to make my own jelly (Jello for my US readers) for the boys (that way I can reduce the amount of additive crap that goes into it). Only this time, none of the supermarkets seem to be selling gelatin powder – only the vegetarian stuff (which from previous experience doesn’t actually set – always a bit of a disadvantage).

Finally, I managed to find some leaf gelatin and can I say for the record that stuff is really REALLY *weird*?! When I opened the packet, I was sure that someone was having me on and had substituted plastic sheeting for the contents. You’re supposed to soak it for five minutes, then pick up the soggy sheets and stir them individually into the stuff you want to set. Fine, that shouldn’t be too hard, but then you pick them up and they’ve transformed into a slippery rubbery texture giving the impression that you’re dropping soggy latex gloves into hot juice.

Oh well, they’re all set into individual bowls now. Bet the boys hate them.

I promise not to get carried away now and start setting random vegetables into a vinegary gelatin mould.

They’ve got to be the worst thing ever invented, right?! I mean, what kind of design flaw is it that they don’t just pop out when you need ‘em?

Currently L’il Bhaji has been suffering horrendously with his top two teeth. He’s had big fat swollen white gums, low grade temperature, drool you could sail a few ships on and things not all well in the nappy department. We’ve used Medised, Teetha, Nurofen and Calgel – sometimes all together. Then last night, bliss. A whole night through without upset or temperature – lo and behold the second of his top teeth was finally through (that’s two teeth in the space of 3 days…) At least it was all over for a little while.

Or not.

This afternoon, starts drooling for Britain again. Low grade temperature by bedtime. Howling even after Medised and Teetha. Won’t let me anywhere near the right-hand top gum without screaming his head off. It just doesn’t seem fair.